Outside the rooms, I have known recovering addicts to conversationally compare addictions. For instance, many claim that - at least for them - quitting smoking was harder than quitting alcohol or drugs. Another common sentiment is that food addiction is the most difficult to control - after all, abstinence is not viable option. Then there's the drugs versus alcohol debate, ad infinitum.
I maintain that the most deadly drug is people.
Jim Jones had such influence over his parishioners that they poisoned their own children. Without those who flocked to his aide, the monstrous and reprehensible acts of Jeffrey Epstein would never have been so vast. His manipulative proficiency (narcissist? sociopath? take your pick) also reached far more than vulnerable children - even wizened business owners allowed him countless passes for illegal and dishonest acts just because Jeffrey "made it seem ok."
When I watched the documentary on Epstein, it was like watching my ex-husband come alive on screen - just with different proclivities. Gaslighting and abuse was the norm for me for almost 20 years. Since I was raised by wolves, marrying a narcissitic sociopath was probably inevitable. In his defense, he is a sick man who experienced a difficult upbringing as well.
If I have learned nothing that codependency on people can be far more dangerous to one's wellbeing than any substance. I have also seen this countless times in sponsees, sometimes chasing new relationships in early sobriety, sometimes an inability to let go of toxic relationships. Absolutely nothing stops them, and the crushing blow of drama or rejection almost always does them damage.
The most dangerous form of the effects from interpersonal manipulation ultimately came to me in the form of narcissistic parental alienation. In fact, one of those the most tragic aspects of this is that:
The children believe they are acting independently (that is, they believe they are not being influenced by the alienating parent).
The result of this is that the children can essentially become weaponized against the honest parent. When I first heard of this, I believed I was immune to it. I believed that due to a long history of selfless and consistent parenting that this could never happen to me. I was wrong.
Add the stigma of female alcoholism into the mix, and you have a perfect storm.
The courts make this situation worse. Not because they are ill-intentioned or run by people who do not care (on the contrary), but because they are ill-equipped to deal with it. Most are poorly educated about the phenomenon, and covert (or "vulnerable") narcissists do their best work grooming children for suggestion - as well as performing at their peak in clinical and legal settings.
I have to remember, however, that it took me almost all of those 20 adult years to wake up to the reality of a pathologically lying, serial cheating man with a severe personality disorder - and I must remember that it will take far longer for any child or adolescent to see through the distorted lens.
Events not only resulted in my losing custody after a consistent and loving parental history, but being falsely accused of the most impossible, unbelievable, bizarre and harmful crime imaginable: sexual abuse. The accusation alone is poison. I survived it only for the sake of my children, because the weight of losing me when they discovered (or admitted) the truth would be unbearable for them.
Whether due to their own pain and rage at being untruths about my inability to see or speak to them virtually overnight (after a lifetime of being their only involved and sane parent), or the result of being coerced - the result is the same. I had no choice but to live through it. I often felt the most compassion for the prosecutor, who appeared to be a kind young women who really wants to fight the good fight. For those that deserve it, I hope she wins.
The biggest lesson I received during this time was, ultimately, radical acceptance. That bad things really do happen to good people. In fact, I was so distraught by all of the above that as a senior I switched my major to religious studies, and got my degree arrogantly trying to discover the answer to the problem of theodicy.
Determined to have a degree before the age of 50, I finished my thesis in a hospital bed suffering from sepsis (due to a ruptured appendix). My ability to accept anything only increased when, months later, I almost died from a botched interval appendectomy and was hospitalized for another month - much of it spent in ICU. This cemented my surrender to a universe that often does not make sense. It was a gift.
Shortly after this, my sponsor died. She was my hero. Her legacy, too large and intertwined to delve into here, centered on gratitude. During this time I focused on what I had, rather than what I had lost. Though losing one's children is not something one can ever truly recover from, for their sake I have no other choice. I focused on my new engagement to the most kind, loving, attentive man I have ever known - proposing to me on Christmas eve the day I returned from the first hospitalization. I still had tubes coming out of me, and he was giving me IV antibiotics 3x a day for weeks (twice) while working two jobs and ten-hour shifts. He is a saint.
I graduated that same month with my first degree - though in 2020 style, there was no real commencement. I also met an incredible mentor in a catholic monk-turned-professor who changed my life in more ways than I can count as I struggled with all of this. I also consulted other pastors, and just about anyone who could explain how what I thought was truly impossible could happen. It remains unanswerable.
While accepted to grad school, I am unsure yet of the future. Right now I am still recovering emotionally from the deep and pervasive trauma of being falsely accused of a crime. I also forgive, so that I can be peace.
I rest in knowing that, in the words of the Buddha, that three things cannot long be hidden:
the sun, the moon, and the truth.
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